In a grasping gesture to find some happiness, I have swept away the past like small dust balls under my bed, I gave them a home in the not wanted area of my subconscious. The happiness and love I long for as a small child will become mine once I truly hold myself in the love I have looked for my entire life. I am willing to give myself the time that I always gave another, buy flowers, take trips, go to the movies, write a poem, sing a love song. Everything I gave and wanted to give to the love of my life, has never left me...she's been right here the entire time. For a year I was curled up in a ball on my couch, tears in a puddle on my shoulder from the intense fear of never being loved, of always being alone, of never having the lasting hug from my father that I always wanted so badly. To hear the words, I love you with all of my heart, from the man I needed so much. I numbed myself with the fact that I have no idea what that four letter words is or how I could show it to another human being. My sense of who I am disappeared with every sob, realizing I no longer wanted to be in this reality. If someone could take me away I would have agreed in a second, the devil himself could have had my soul for nothing and I would not have cared. Then suddenly something in me shifted, who I was "dying" for was myself, not anyone outside of me. I was longing for the person inside, hidden deep within behind the body, face, humor. I found my love, she is beautiful on the inside more than anyone I have ever met. She never leaves me lonely, and I can trust her to always listen when I need someone to hear...the pain, the joy, all of it. The humanness of me. She's my angel.