For years I have known the place I want to be, yet my patterns of self-sabotage and imminent destruction pulled me away from the good that my soul wanted, each step forward was propulsion backward into distraction and pain. The journey began without my knowledge…it’s a simple story really, my love left, my self-destruction began, the darkness moved over me like a thick fog enveloping any light I could grasp with my desperation. I couldn’t breathe, so I ran….literally, I ran for miles, trying to escape this horrid pain and suffering that I was in, begging to God to please remove me from it, trying anything and everything to make it subside. I realize now, daily that my entire concept of what occurred was not due to anyone outside of myself. While I was in pain, and thinking that I am the only person on this planet who is crying out in heartache, I am solely one individual of many in the same place. This being said, I began to seek out a healer, someone who could remove the suffering. Like a magic wand I wanted it gone….poof! I spend thousands on hypnosis, psych evaluation, medication, massage, acupuncture; only to walk through my front door and feel the pain hit me like a hot summer breeze, welcoming me back with open arms, to hug me in its turmoil and suffering each and every day. Acceptance of the hysterical looping thoughts in my mind was the only way out, no one could help. I believe on day 60 or roughly 3-4 months in, I began to look the way I felt, in only a short year I went from a lively young vibrant attractive woman, to a dark eyed extremely thin looking older female.
My soul was not happy in this place; my mind was content, because it was all its every known, this thinking worked for a very long time, until now. My healer, that I was familiar with from years before, showed me where the light began…for me it was extremely hard to see, but she assured me in my pitiful sad state that I would find joy; I just had to do the work and trust the journey….and so it began.
The process of the work, finding the happiness or really just allowing this happiness and awareness to flood your life sounds simple enough, yet, I was to find that it was more difficult than expected, especially with my body chemistry used to the flood of adrenaline and chaos. I was amazed at the attempt to go back to the place of pain, it was a free drug that I wanted so badly or at least my body did, I was desperately clinging on to my tools to try and stay present, meditate, block the urges to find that person to give me more suffering. As my healer told me, the earth is here for us to explore darkness, so why would happiness be so easy? That’s a simple enough question. As I thought and pondered this, I began to question the real point of love, joy, and happiness with others. Why would I bother giving so much to someone when it can be taken away and I will suffer?
As many of us know, the world is full of pain and disappointments, the suffering we hold on to is optional. I, for one, have never been a person who easily forgives, lets go, and moves on….it doesn’t matter what the subject matter. I have an innate ability to grasp the death of anything until it burns through my hands and I wince in excruciating pain. Why? Maybe that is what I am here for, to heal what others have left before me. I find comfort in that, most likely because ego is not at fault if I can put the burden on others; then again it’s all part of the journey. For now, I have been 4 months in the place of forgiveness, not only for the people who I love or hurt me, but for myself. Sounds easy, right? Try it. If we are here to heal, why would it be easy, especially if we have been practicing suffering for so long? For me I will credit it to 30 odd years. I will sacrifice the infant in me, she came in here not knowing or maybe she did.