I can't handle grief. Loss of someone I love gives me the ultimate pain in my heart and soul. Time, heals all...its bullshit. The one with the loss, the grief sees these words float through the air like dark clouded balloons, waiting an eternity for them to descend upon them to take the pain away. Never to see this come to fruition the hope comes in a wave and dissipates quickly leaving a trail of sadness behind. Who thought of this way to give anyone a ray of hope that something so intimate could be cured? Our bodies are frozen in time, unable to function, remembering the happy time of joy and laughter. Its gone in an instant, heavy chested, tears are unable to be stopped, its impossible to not FEEL anything. I want what I want; the hearts constant mantra. Each thought is jumbled with flashes of the memories, why is this happening? A cocoon of blankets and darkness is the only friend who could possibly understand whats happening inside. Crumbling slowly the heart rips at the seams nothing is normal anymore. We long to sleep just to numb the pain, then upon waking it flows over us like huge wave covering us in that searing emotion once again. Time is the healer; how? The days turned into weeks, months, and years...still my chest goes tight with the thoughts, images. Put on your sock, shoe, lace them up, take a walk. Get yourself together? Its time to get over it. Words...its just words. Actions are just that, actions as a zombie would roam the earth without feeling for any other. Just try to survive, just take a breath in and try to cope with each moment.
If I can make it a day, I will be ok. I can sleep at night and wake to the ability to think without seeing the demons. If I can make it a week, or a month. I can write down what makes me feel good, that I can erase all of the things that were said to make me feel that I am not able to give love to another human. Am I human again? Can I break away from this shell of shit I am in? The arms of embrace are empty, the shoulder to cry on the face with the smile is gone. I miss it. Yes, I said it, I'm allowed. Stop telling me I'm not. The mental clock ticks, seconds, minutes. Get yourself together. Throw away the past, and it becomes worse, because your throwing away what you perceived as love. Then what is it? If that was not it, how do we know how to find it? This is the truth. This is how it is, do not mask it, don't try to be the bigger person. Let it come in, soak up all the life that you had. Crumble and die on the floor, drink yourself into oblivion. Find another to hate and take them to the place where you are, just to see another in the hell that you call home. Time is not the answer, its the enemy. Time gives us the last thing we want....moments of stillness. Cherish the pain for it will remind you of what you never want to endure again.
Only time will tell.