When you get stuck in the suck and forget to open your heart, the energy has to move somewhere. Vibrationally, I was grasping onto old patterns that worked well for the old me. My self sabotage was rearing its giant gorgeous head, the laziness took over my well maintained practice of meditation and journaling my grateful days. I didn’t look back, I kept feeling the rush of adrenaline; forgetting myself as I scooped up the attention, made myself look better than I felt , allowing my sarcastic, egotistical, venomous language, escape my lips at such a rate I fell into exhaustion.
Why was I back in fear? What was I afraid of? Would telling my true feelings to the new person I met really be the worst thing I could do? What’s the worst that could happen? My HUGE expectations kept nagging at every turn….the “not good enough's” were dancing happily, taunting the very compassion and empathetic newborns I birthed just months before.
Exactly like a drug addict turned to getting high in a second, I reverted back….way back to what was my safe place. Alone, seclusion…where no one gets hurt. This would be the ideal place for me, I knew it. The idea that I could be happy is absolute crap, why would I think one single year could change a lifetime of shitty, disappointing, actions. Hurt feelings, harsh words; laughing my way through a tearing inside. It’s so much easier here, the condescending smart ass, the sarcasm rolls off the tongue…simple, easy, effortless.
That’s how it felt, but it’s not where I belong. If I stay here and do this and let it consume me, I will be in the same place in another year, then another, and……..fuck.
It’s not about the learning process, it’s not about who did what or my reaction, it’s about practice. I forgot my practice, I put someone else before my soul…I let my obsession with my body get priority over my practice. When we are in alignment with our truth, everything flows into place…it’s all there, it’s easy. Nothing about any of this was or is easy, but the good of this is now I can see it. I know what I can do to bring my happy back, my vibration to the level where I am comfortable. It’s just another step in this human body, and I am honestly starting to enjoy the journey.....its where I belong.